here is MY FACE!

If you stumble upon a profile picture of someone like this, be careful.

Scene: Ohh she looks fun, and she has nice eyes! What else does she have to offer poppa. Hmm ok let's see... nope only head shots, huh. That's weird.

This person will never show you his/her entire body because you might think she's fat, which ya know, is way more important than the fact that she's just graciously provided you with 13 different angles of her left boob.  Face sold separately.

Smoke and Mirrors and Phones.

What really happens in dressing rooms.



If you wanted to take a picture of your outfit, why don't you just ask the person who is standing outside of the dressing room waiting for you to finish up. Also, I know that camera flash is pretty crazy and your attention span is not too good but how about focusing on your shitty pose instead of your phone.  Lastly, I'm sure you're a bad person.   

Mediocre Meals




Elaborate meals that took some effort? Sure, I'd love to see it!
T.G.I. Friday's spinach artichoke dip? Ehh...

Quacks

Ducks are cute animals. Adult humans as ducks, well, not so much. This picture usually showcases some of the best work of d-baggers. Generally the photo taken is not really a flattering picture but somehow there's always a couple creepers telling the subject how "sexy" they look, positively reinforcing negative behavior. The subject thanks the "To Catch a Predator" alum and posts more of these.

The Samantha.

Overt excitement over novelty size phallic symbols. Works best with objects that one may see on a day-to-day occurrence.
Note: There is a big difference between posing next to versus riding a sculpture.

Little Cousin.

 
Scene: Ahh cool! I just found my little cousin on Facebook! I can't believe her First Communion was only 7 years ago! What a great time that was. Ok, well let me see what she's been up to seeing that she's only 14... wait... is she ... who is that old guy with his hand on her...wait a second... WHAT THE HELL?!

This is that awkward picture of a young family member who has been corrupted by the makings of the Disney Channel.

Turn, Turn, Turn.


 Keep going...almost there... ahhh! No? You want to take a little rest there? OK, yeah that's fine.

The "On Three."

Aaaaaand scene!:
Friend: OK! Now let's take a goofy picture, OK?!
You: Yeah, that sounds fun!
Both: One, two, three!

You forgot to do the face.

The Flush.




Yeah. You can't fool us. We know you're in the bathroom. Want to know how? Oh I don't know perhaps it was the sink, or the toilet paper roll, or well, the toilet. There's no use in locking the bathroom door; your family and roommates will see the pictures when you post them 11 hours later, and, don't worry, if you believed they thought you were weird before, just wait until after you post those bad boys.

The Ten and Two



People who engage in "car photo" self portraits showcase their ability to drive safely (via seat belt) and also live on the edge (taking a photograph of her/himself while at a red light). Perhaps they're happy that they've finally got their license back after that little incident, or that the car seat in the background is properly installed.


"Hands Off the Pussy!"



YOUR CAT HATES YOU! Just put him back down where he was sleeping for the last 13 hours and go back to your Sims 3 game.

The "Why Are You Naked In Front Of Your Computer?"

 
Pretty self explanatory. Enough with the daddy issues already.
People who will comment on this includes some guy named Darnell, and that guy from Maharashtra, India who always leaves a wink face after every message he sends you.



"The Fakocker."



  Just because you shagged a guy in a band doesn't make you a musician.  Put his guitar down, he actually needs that.

"Daddy's Little Girl"




 Dear Steve Jobs,
   I would like to thank you for creating the "mirror effect" on Photobooth. It's a hoot. Now I'd like to thank Mark Zuckerberg for allowing 14 year olds to sign up for Facebook, and lastly I'd like to thank Al Gore for inventing the internet.
      Love always,
         Jeffrey Dahmer

The Deflator

I know you're trying to be sexy but I can't help but notice that cat jungle gym in the background. Come to think of it, I'm sure your personal scent is something mixed between corn flakes and tuna fish. Completely flaccid right now, thanks.         

"The Debbie"

Friend: Hey Kate is everything OK?
Kate: Yeah, I'm fine, just a little tired. Why would you say that??
Friend: Well in your new picture you look pretty upset. Well uhh...you're literally crying.
Kate: Nope. I actually just got promoted at work.


 We all have that friend.

The Awkward Emotion

WOOOOOooooOOoo look at my crazy face!!! I"M FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!! IT LOOKS LIKE I JUST HEARD SOMEONE  SAY SOMETHING RIDICULOUS  BUT REALLY I'VE JUST BEEN POSING IN FRONT OF THIS CAMERA TAKING MULTIPLE PICTURES OF MYSELF UNTIL I FOUND ONE I LIKED!!! I hope my mom doesn't walk in. Waaahhhhhh!!!!
    Seriously, we all know you posed for this picture and quite honestly, we're still not really sure why. You are a douche bag.

Cleans Up Well...

Yep. Same person.

"The Brassiere"

The Brassiere

There is no middle ground for this girl; she was either intoxicated or completely sober while the said photograph was taken. If the subject was inebriated, generally within 15 minutes of that flash, their friend walked in on them engaging in heaving petting with a man or woman who looked suspiciously like Gilbert Gottfried. If the person was sober, they are plain and simply, a slore.

On a positive note, at least Victoria's Secret doesn't make sexy bras anymore so now you're only flashing your bra that has cupcakes on it, not actual nipple.

The "Deja Vu"

 The "Deja Vu" is when someone posts two pictures that are almost identical, with the exception of the camera angle, cropping, and the zoom. Instead of choosing which picture looks better, the poster displays both pictures, allowing the viewer to decide which picture they hate more.



 














Facebook Profile Picture: "The Cornea"

Cornea

Internal monologue: Hey look, my camera!  I want to take this picture of just my eyeball(s) so I can cover-up my butter face and check for any liver problems.
I'll be honest, not everyone who engages in the eyeball picture is a Quasimodo but if someone is hiding their nose, and well, entire face, a red flag should go up.
Note: DO NOT MEET UP FOR COFFEE.