Did You Get Taller?

The friend you haven't seen in 5 years got a boob job but no one knows how to acknowledge it.

Yo Son!!

  You know who stopped using "gang signs" in this post 9/11 world? Gangs. Flashing them makes you look as awkward as a first date at a Taylor Swift concert. Douche bag.


  Hmmm... how can I change this creepy shitty picture of me donating blood into something I can post online? Ahh yes! Turn it into a Black & White!

The Drunk Friend

Trying to Do This...   

But Instead Doing This... 

The Glow.

Just because Avatar made a lot of money doesn't mean your photo will make James Cameron want to use your image in his next blockbuster. I see you.

The Doctor's Note

"Kim Smothers Wow not feeling too good. Stuffs comin out of every hole :-/  5 more months until the baby is here "

Do you have a friend who tells way too much in their status' including the food they ate or their explosive diarrhea? Well that is definitely a pregnant friend you got there kiddo!

Note: If friend is not pregnant, they were probably one of the slutty girls in high school, or have thought about calling the 1-800 number during an ITT Tech commercial. Not that anything is wrong with that...

The Somewhat Wayward School Woman.

 I once dated a guy who had a friend in her 40s who had an album entitled "Pigtails." Oh yes, this is true. I'm 60% sure that she dressed up as Little Orphan Annie on Thursday's, and 79% sure she still sat on her dad's lap. For some reason, gals like this aren't married. Weird.

Peace, Love, and Boobings Tips.

This is that girl who: 1. Thinks she's a hippie because she knows part of the lyrics to The Grateful Dead's "Casey Jones" 
2. Throws peace signs in photos 
3. Contorts body in uncomfortable fashion so teets look like juicy mangos.

Nap Time

 Why do you look soo bored? You're the one taking the picture of yourself. Splash some water on your face, have a cup of coffee, and start over again.

Not Riding the Pony

 Things I don't think to myself when I see a side ponytail:    
           "Good one!"                                                                                                                             "That must be the girl from "Teen Mom" who doesn't have a  kid and has a boyfriend."


Up...up...up...ahhh there we go, perfect!
This might look like a twentysomething brunette girl from this angle, but in actuallity it's a 9 year old Alaskan  boy wearing lederhosen.  

The "I was never hugged as a child."

Just remember, your Dad's creepy friend is on Facebook, and well, looks like you just made his night little lady!

Status Updates I Don't Care About Part II

Sarah Ginster: Sooooo bored! Who wants to hang out???
Likes: None
Comments: None

 I love seeing this happen, and when it does I enjoy singing "Desperado" in a gentle whisper.

The Gams.

Question:Do you know who takes gam pictures like this? 
Answer: Leann Rimes when she vacations with married men.  


It's your friend's birthday. Everyone is happy and having a blast. Someone from the group decides that it would be a great idea to take a picture to remember this amazing night. During the 13 seconds it takes to get into formation, turn the camera on, and take the picture, you've gotten distracted and noticed someone's riding their bike. You like bikes. You stare at it. Photo ruined.

The Desperate Actor

To the college sophomore studying theatre: your pictures make me uncomfortable and I'm not sure what any of these have to with that role in "Hello, Dolly!" you are auditioning for. Looks like it's another play that you'll be working as stage crew.  

The X-Men

 Your ex has a new bf/gf and now it's on Facebook. When you click on their profile you are surprisingly shocked to see your ex is now dating Quasimodo.


The Too New to Be Old and Too Old to Be New.

Actual picture from 2007 that I wont be able to use as a profile picture until at least the summer of 2014.

Back in the day pictures? Love them! Here's where it gets tricky: Profile pictures that are more than two years old but less than seven? You're hiding something. DO NOT ADD AS FRIEND.

Friends Off.

A whole bunch of nothing.
This person's profile picture is of a random object that has nothing really to do with them. 
Kids, funny pictures, symbolic icons of current events? Appropriate.  
Purse or shoes? Might as well focus to your Linkedin page because about 1/3 of your friends just blocked you. P.S. Everyone is really proud you learned how to change your exposure setting on your iPhone.

The Naptime

Laying on bed + camera= The kind of person your parents wished you never turned into.

The Magic Eye.

"Hold the center of the image right up to your nose. It should be blurry. Focus as though you are looking through the image into the distance. Very slowly move the image away from your face until the two squares above the image turn into three squares. If you see four squares, move the image farther away from your face until you see three squares. If you see one or two squares, start over! When you clearly see three squares, hold the page still, and the hidden image will magically appear. Once you perceive the hidden image and depth, you can look around the entire 3D image. The longer you look, the clearer the illusion becomes. The farther away you hold the page, the deeper it becomes. Good Luck!"

The Harvey Dent.

Half the face, half the fun.


This is another bathroom/bedroom shot gone wrong. There is a 70% chance that this person has once dressed up like a cat for Halloween. Additional checklist for the Tinkerbell:
1. Focus needs to be on the camera.
2. Must be making a weird blow-j face.
3. Giant flash orb needs to be overwhelming. 


Doubles match in the bathroom. Flash and peace sign. Subjects are serious about only a few things in life: Lip gloss, Glee, and their Pink by Victoria's Secret sweatsuits. These ladies will take this photo before exiting the bathroom, where they will then officially initiate their journey of sexy-time with strangers they will meet throughout the night.

Over Here!

Seriously, we know you took this picture yourself, but if there is anything more awkward than you not looking at the camera is that in reality, you're just staring at a white piece of drywall re-shooting your camera phone continuously until someone walks through that door behind you.

Where Did That Come From?

This is the friend who looks pretty normal but the second the camera flashes, s/he looks like Charles Manson.


This, I guess, is just personal preference. Some people don't like clowns, I don't like winkers. I heard once that whenever someone winks, a baby swallows a penny.

Au Naturel.

"I'm not wearing any makeup because I wanted to show you that I can be natural and still be somewhat attractive...right?"
This picture style generally only applies to people who wear makeup religiously. The female in this picture tends to look warn out, tries desperately to look nonchalant, and is another one of those subjects who are just looking for attention. Comments they are digging for include, "Wow you're stunning!" "Such a natural beauty!" "You don't need to wear makeup! Stop wearing it!" The still is usually taken in a bathroom or in the bed chambers. Pay attention to the eyebrows- they will usually resemble a rotated "C,"since they aren't drawn in currently.

The Poke.

"Poking" someone (with the hope/intent of shagging them) is just a subtle way you can realize how much of a stage 5 creeper you are.  Thinking it's flirty and fun to get "poked" on a social networking site means you're 18, and probably eye shag that Edward Cullen poster in your bedroom. Just remember, you're not the only one getting "poked" by that person, but hey, I hope you and that guy that smells like a porn shop and Cheerios make it work.

Status Updates I Don't Care About

Laura Smyth, age 19: Going to enjoy some wine tonight with my girls <3 <3 <3
                        OK so I love wine and hanging out with my lady boo's BUT I'm also not a 19 year old trying to impress my friends from high school and English 101. I'm pretty confident that the wine you're drinking was given to you out of sympathy because you lost that game of Ookie Cookie and you needed some sort of alcohol to burn any growth away. 

David Knox:  Crazzee nite last night. Anyways I have alot to do so Ima gunna c wat ma boi's r doin 2nit. LMAO while im ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                      This makes no sense at all and your spelling is atrocious. Hopefully Darwinism will kick in soon and you will turn into a sea horse.

Gloria Frankenberger: i THink tHAt I Can TEChniCaLlY CAusE You tO HAvE a seIZURe IF i cOnTinUE tO TYpE liKe thiS.

here is MY FACE!

If you stumble upon a profile picture of someone like this, be careful.

Scene: Ohh she looks fun, and she has nice eyes! What else does she have to offer poppa. Hmm ok let's see... nope only head shots, huh. That's weird.

This person will never show you his/her entire body because you might think she's fat, which ya know, is way more important than the fact that she's just graciously provided you with 13 different angles of her left boob.  Face sold separately.

Smoke and Mirrors and Phones.

What really happens in dressing rooms.

If you wanted to take a picture of your outfit, why don't you just ask the person who is standing outside of the dressing room waiting for you to finish up. Also, I know that camera flash is pretty crazy and your attention span is not too good but how about focusing on your shitty pose instead of your phone.  Lastly, I'm sure you're a bad person.   

Mediocre Meals

Elaborate meals that took some effort? Sure, I'd love to see it!
T.G.I. Friday's spinach artichoke dip? Ehh...


Ducks are cute animals. Adult humans as ducks, well, not so much. This picture usually showcases some of the best work of d-baggers. Generally the photo taken is not really a flattering picture but somehow there's always a couple creepers telling the subject how "sexy" they look, positively reinforcing negative behavior. The subject thanks the "To Catch a Predator" alum and posts more of these.

The Samantha.

Overt excitement over novelty size phallic symbols. Works best with objects that one may see on a day-to-day occurrence.
Note: There is a big difference between posing next to versus riding a sculpture.

Little Cousin.

Scene: Ahh cool! I just found my little cousin on Facebook! I can't believe her First Communion was only 7 years ago! What a great time that was. Ok, well let me see what she's been up to seeing that she's only 14... wait... is she ... who is that old guy with his hand on her...wait a second... WHAT THE HELL?!

This is that awkward picture of a young family member who has been corrupted by the makings of the Disney Channel.

Turn, Turn, Turn.

 Keep going...almost there... ahhh! No? You want to take a little rest there? OK, yeah that's fine.

The "On Three."

Aaaaaand scene!:
Friend: OK! Now let's take a goofy picture, OK?!
You: Yeah, that sounds fun!
Both: One, two, three!

You forgot to do the face.

The Flush.

Yeah. You can't fool us. We know you're in the bathroom. Want to know how? Oh I don't know perhaps it was the sink, or the toilet paper roll, or well, the toilet. There's no use in locking the bathroom door; your family and roommates will see the pictures when you post them 11 hours later, and, don't worry, if you believed they thought you were weird before, just wait until after you post those bad boys.